"Do I Love You?"

I have often felt that answers to prayer are hard to get and I usually don't even know what I should ask, especially because I am only given the answers to the questions I ask and if I can only get the answer to the question I ask then the question is as, if not more important than the answer I seek. What I WANT to ask are the questions like; "why me, why now, why this thing". These questions always seem to be on the tip of my tounge but I have found that they don't seem to get me the response that calms my soul. But still I want to ask why I have to suffer? I have wondered what it is that I am to learn and what it is that only these experiences will teach me. Then, as I have passed through and come out the other side I have seen more clearly what great power and joy and experience I have aquired in the pain I have suffered. So, in my weakness, and especially then, I seem to need even the questions given to me.

On this particular day, feeling completely alone in my pain I went to the Lord and asked; Father what would you have me ask thee, I want to ask the right question so I can get the answer that will bring peace to my soul and understanding to my heart. What question should I ask?

The answer suprised me. It was so simple and clear and for the first time, really easy to get. He said: "Karen, ask Me if I love you."
Ok, that seems simple enough, so I asked; "Father, do you love me?" His reply was tender and clear; "Yes, Karen, I love you."

I thought, well that was good, maybe, I have just needed to ask what to ask all these years, now what else will He tell me, what else does He want me to know... So I asked again: "Father what else should I ask thee?"

The second time the answer came clear and simple, "Karen, ask me if I love you." Ok, so maybe I hadn't appreciated the first answer or maybe there was more to it, so I will ask again; "Father do you love me?" "Yes, Karen, I love you!"

I was beginning to feel His love now and began to be excited about the next answer He might give me. If He truely loved me there must be more information He would have for me. Maybe He was building my faith in the ease at getting these answers. I knew that the number two is symbolic of a witness, so He was witnessing to me that His love was true. How sweet. So once again I asked, "Father what now should I ask?"

And for the third time I was told "Karen, ask me if I love you."

I am slow, but not that slow, and I know that when Heavenly Father says something three times He's trying to make a point beyond the point that seems so obivious. He doesn't get confussed and just happen to say the same thing three times, and He doesn't do it just so we will remember, although remembering is important. I realized that this was the question that would bring me peace, understanding and joy, just as I had asked for. Why else would He have me ask the same question three times when I did not doubt His love for me, in fact I knew I was loved and had felt His love often. Why this question? Then I recieved that answer as I recieved the answer one last time to the important question He was having me ask; "Father do you love me?" Finially understanding the point of the question and the answer. "YES Karen, I love you!"

The information flooded over me and I was able to see that His perfect love meant something more, it meant that because He loved me so much that I would not be suffering these things for nothing. It meant that a loving Heavenly Father would not ask me to go through these hard things if it were not for my best good. It meant that He would not put me through pain for fun, or just for the experience of it. There was GREAT purpose in these trials and I could find joy in knowing that it was because I was loved that I recieved the trial. The trial was not just something to get through, but something that was going to be exactly what I need in my life, in my character, in my file of experiences to make me the person that I want to become. It is not done to bring me pain, or be something to endure to prove I can endure it and that I am a good person. There is more to it than that, and I can rest assured that "God chasenes (tries) those He loves" and my trials, or better yet, TRAILS are proof of that love for me! I am becoming more than I could be without them. His love, and these trials are proof that He is keeping His covenant with me and making me to "see as He sees and be as He is". My trials are proof that when I have passed through all that I have been given to pass through, I will be like Him because 'His work and His glory is to bring to pass MY immortality and MY eternal life.' And I know that nothing is wasted in that process and my experiences are for me to become like Him!

We all want to ask the wrong questions sometimes and don't understand that these questions will be answered, but the answers are not the answers we are looking for. The answer to all of our questions is in the question "Do you love me Heavenly Father?" If the answer to this is "YES my child, I love YOU, more than you know or can now feel, I love you!", then every other question pales by compairison! All is in the answer of Gods love for us!

Preserves and More Preserves!

I have spent the last 3 days making and bottling more jam, jelly, conserves, salsa, compote, and brandied fruits than I ever thought I would! I figured that if I had to box up jars they may as well be full ones! I have made two batches of salsa, and 40+ jars of other types of beautiful preserves. It has been a mad frenzie of chop, mix, steam and boil! I suppose that the uncertainty of what is going to be happening in my life and home in the next month or so has driven me a bit mad and so I have decided to take control where I can - the kitchen!

I have made so many different types of preserves that I have stopped counting. My favorite has been the Rum Apricots. They are beautiful as well as delicious. Then of course is the Apple Pie in a Jar, and Carrot Cake Jam. I never knew you could make such pretty little jars of Heaven. Pears, apples, raisins, apricots, blueberries, tomatoes, etc. Even a beautiful apple-curry chutney was bottled last week by yours truely.

I think my facination with preserves came while we lived in France 12 years ago. Weekly we went to the "SUPER" as the big excursion of the week. We found the beautiful jars of "Bonne Maman" in all the delicious flavors a sweet and delicious way to experience a country we didn't have the finances to really see as tourists. My Favorite was the Wild Blueberry or the Four Fruits! At $6 a jar at speciality stores here in SLC I don't think I will be able to put them in my pantry. But back then they were the treat on fresh, hot, bagettes that made us feel like we were living the high life, while scrimping and collecting our "centimes" (french pennies) to be able to keep the lights on. It was a way of splurging while being responsible.

I suppose that is what I have been doing this past week as I have been making and storing bottles of beautiful fruit and vegetables in pretty little jars, preparing for the sweet, responsible times that are sure to be required of us again now and in the future, where the surroundings are sparce, and the entertainment is simple, but the food is good and we are prepared, "come what may and love it!"

The "Bonne Maman" (good mother) in me requires it!

Life is a Comedy!!!

Yes you heard it folks, life is a comedy!!! I feel like I am living in one of Shakespears plays at the moment and it is all a bit funny in a disturbing kinda way but I'm getting a kick out of it all the same just as you might from his play "Much Ado About Nothing".

Last night at 12 midnight I heard a big crash and thought that maybe the raccoon was out trying to kill our last chicken standing (out of the 20 we have purchased), but 20 min later my neightbor rang my door bell and we found out that his brother had almost driven off the ledge of the wall just above our house. The only thing that stopped him were the rocks and trees we had put in just a few years ago! Yes they saved a life, just as Paul thougth they might. It was a good thing but now we have all these stubbs of trees coming out of the ground and very large rocks that have been moved great distances and don't quite look right anymore. If it weren't so obiviouse that this was not what was intended by the landscape artist you might think that someone just had really bad taste. I really am facinated by the effort Satan is going to in meddling with our lives, our home and our family! It seems nothing is going to be left untouched.

It happened to be the Bishops son that was in the accident and he is alright, a bit shaken up but fine, and the car didn't seem to sustain much damage either! Just a bit of fender and bumper dents. It was kinda scary at the time because the back tires of the car were off the ledge and could have fallen into our front yard and through the front door at any time. Funny huh!!!

Remember how the saints had a period of great chaos and termoil as Joseph Smith spent 6 months in jail and the apostles were abroad as missionaries and the saints were driven from their homes and killed and hunted? Well, I take great comfort in knowing that they lived (well most of them did) through their trials and came out ahead and so will we. It was also a time of GREAT time of growth in the church when 7-8000 new converts were baptised in the space of one year! Satan didn't want this to happen so he tried his hardest to stop the progress of the saints by up-rooting them and bringing great chaos to their lives through their enemies. He will go to great lengths to stop us (all of us).

Although I know that I am not suffering to any degree as greatly as they did, I also find comfort that Satan finds me someone of consequence to try and push around. There must be something he does not want me to do or I do not think so much effort would be put into my little life when it would be so easy for things to be set right, if that were the plan.

The exciting part of the screen play is that the lyrics to Paul's song are finially done and he sent them to his friend that plays for Kenny Chesney. His name is Nick and he thinks they are great and is really excited to put them to music. They turned out even better than I though and Paul was quit pleased as well. Just you wait, he will have a top ten hit soon and that will also be interesting to see how that "plays-out" in this little "play" of ours.

Here's to the "Comedy of Life" and the fun it can be to watch it unfold! Oh, the great screen-writer God is!

My MOST AMAZING Family!

I know that there are some that think that their family is the best but I am here to let you all know that hands down I have the most amazing family in the world! I know that others have real reasons to believe they are blessed and I am sure they are, but if you even try to argue with me in my thinking that your family is better than mine you will have a real fight on your hands!

The secret is out I guess that we have lost our home to foreclosure and that Paul's business has failed. It all happened in the same week and it was, to say the least, a bit overwhelming! One day we were all thinking that the banks were going to work with us and re-modify our home loan and the next they told us that they sold it on the court house steps and we will have basicly a month to get out. It was quite a whirlwind and then that same week Pauls landlord told them that they had to be out in 36 hours! Yep, we have moved a house and a business this week and decided that if it is ok with all of you we don't really need any of it (the trappings of this earth) All that is really necessary is the love of a good family and the spirit to sustain us.

When I called my mother the morning of the foreclosure I cried and hurt. She was out of town helping my sweet sister Laura have her 3rd baby and couldn't do a thing, but of course she called in the army and hearlded the troops and my family was on the property not 5 hours later helping to pack and load up a trailer to take to Logan and store in the warehouse while we find the next place to land. Not many sisters and brothers in law would be so generouse to take work off and leave their own responsibilites and come to the aid of their sister but mine did! They were amazing! Then they took all our stuff to Logan and unloaded it themselves without us there. Kyle and Riley were amazing and didn't quit working even while the rest of us rested between loads. The help they gave me was as if there had been a death in the family and they were there to support and sustain us!

Before they got there I decided that I needed some perspective in all of this and went to the Lord, again as well. He is always so merciful and gives me just what I need (including the family that I often take for granted). Well, anyway, I was reading in D&C 121 1-8 where Joseph Smith pleads with the Lord during the saints direst trials and this is what Heavenly Father tells him: "My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thing afflictions shall be but a small moment: and then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triump over all thy foes." Well, this has the possibility of making someone who is suffering very angry because I promise this past year has not been "but a small moment" and the experiences that lie ahead don't seem to be small in time either. Then I thought I better look at it from an eternal perspective and figure out what Heavenly Father meant by what he said.

So I took the understanding that a day in Gods time is a thousand years our time. With this I did the math and figured that if we live until we are 80 years old we will have spent 2 hours of one day Gods time here on Earth. That means that we could have gotten up, had breakfast, said our good buys to Heavenly Parents and brothers and sisters, come to Earth for our 80 years, and been home before lunch! What a small moment! Do you remember what you did last week between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. on any day? I would have to really think about it! I remember that one of my labor and deliveries was 3 hours and that was really painful and hellish the whole time and it seems but a small moment to me now. I can hardly remember what the big deal was. I knew that I could do anything for a few hours!

And now here I am on Earth and I have forgotten all that I knew before and I have lost the perspective of what a "small thing" it is to endure 2 hours of heavenly time, on top of the fact that much of what I am experiencing that is painful is just the sprinkling on the beautiful sunrises and sunsets of my life. The beautiful things that happen are far more often and far more memorable than the pain, if I choose them to be.

So here's to my 2 hours of eternal time here on Earth, can I endure it well? Can I remember what it is to have the confidence that I can do hard things when the Lord is with me? Can I rememer that I shouted for joy at the opportunity to come here and experience the bitter and the sweet and give glory to God in all of it? Yes!!!!! Today I can! And to have a family that supports and loves me even when they have to come to my rescue and save me from my mudpuddles makes it all the better to remember that I came from a loving family in the eternities and I can be excited to return home to the Heavenly Courts on High and embrace my Father and Mother and thank them for the pain and the joy of going to Earth School and gaining experience! They have and are and always will turn those mudpuddles and rainstorms into sunshine and joy! The bitter BECOMES the sweet as we look back on it and see the strength we gained and power we garnered from the trials. I am grateful and it is enough to love and be loved!