I have more than I can handle in my life right now and I wonder if I can put it all together into a cohereant sentence that will tell others what I think is important and how to find it. The sad part is I don't think I really understood what it is that I wanted, until lately. Some people come into this life with goals, desires, and experiences that are focused and that they work toward with gusto. I did not get this gene in my DNA. All I knew is that I wanted to have experiences with Heavenly Father. There has never been anything else in my life that has held my attention. Not even my family, until lately. It seems that I have just in the past few years begun that road where I like where I am going and I have a bit of the focus I think a person should have. I have never thought I would be where I am, but here I am, and loving it!
I stand here thinking that there has got to be something that makes all of this so sweet, something that can be explained, and then I wonder WHY I am so happy when there is so much to be miserable about? I guess part of it is my children. They are the part of my life that makes the rest worth it, and I never thought I would be that person. You see, I was born without a mother bone. I often have thought that I should have been a boy because I have more emotions like them. It has always been easier for me to be logical than emotional. Not that I haven't had the emotion, I just didn't like it. I guess I couldn't really "feel" it. It was all just one extreme after another without anything really sweet.
Now it is different. I have something I didn't know was possible. I have that "joi de vive" that I have so often wondered if it really existed. And of all the times in my life that it should not be present, it is here now. How could one little relationship bring so much joy into my life? How could I have what I have always wanted, now, when before it was only a dream and one that I didn't know how to attain? I guess when you think you might loose something you really want it and pay more attention to it and find greater joy in it. That is my experience with parenthood, both that of being a parent and being parented. As long as it is easily attainable then it is nice but not priceless, when it is thougth to be lost, it becomes of great value.
I stand here thinking that there has got to be something that makes all of this so sweet, something that can be explained, and then I wonder WHY I am so happy when there is so much to be miserable about? I guess part of it is my children. They are the part of my life that makes the rest worth it, and I never thought I would be that person. You see, I was born without a mother bone. I often have thought that I should have been a boy because I have more emotions like them. It has always been easier for me to be logical than emotional. Not that I haven't had the emotion, I just didn't like it. I guess I couldn't really "feel" it. It was all just one extreme after another without anything really sweet.
Now it is different. I have something I didn't know was possible. I have that "joi de vive" that I have so often wondered if it really existed. And of all the times in my life that it should not be present, it is here now. How could one little relationship bring so much joy into my life? How could I have what I have always wanted, now, when before it was only a dream and one that I didn't know how to attain? I guess when you think you might loose something you really want it and pay more attention to it and find greater joy in it. That is my experience with parenthood, both that of being a parent and being parented. As long as it is easily attainable then it is nice but not priceless, when it is thougth to be lost, it becomes of great value.
I love my sweet Father who stands with me in everything and brings peace to the storm. Thunder storms and lightening are scary and beautiful; when we are children we think that they are more scary than beautiful, when we grow up, we only see the beauty. It's the same with trials. They are only scary when we are little and don't understand that if we will but trust in the Savior, we will be alright, and not only alright but in a beautiful place that we get to experience with Heavnly Father, a beautiful place that fills us with awe and respect and dare I say it, joy!
If you move one letter in the word "trial" you get "trail". Trails take us to new and wonderus places, filled with joy and beauty. This is what I am finding in my life. Trials that have become trails that are leading me to sweet and profound moments with my best and most loyal Friend. I only want to testify of His love and let eveyone know of the hand that is upon them at all times. If we could only see what is real. If we could see how He is constantly with us and walks in our paths and brings joy to the moment when we notice Him, then we find true joy! There is nothing better than noticing that we are not alone in a moment of hardship and pain along our trail. The tender arms of a loving parent wrapped around us or holding our hand and wispering encouraging words. I think it is worth the stubbed toe on the "trail" of life. It is an adventure that I choose, one that I would not trade for all the money or "picture perfect" moments in the world!
